Satire: The initiation of the guinea pigs

by Calliope Kostopoulos, contributing reporter

It is with greatest frustration and sadness that people are so accepting of others with irregular lifestyles. In society today there is a rise of homosexuals in media, politics, and all around us. If they think that they can live among the rest of the population like nothing is wrong and then push for equal rights, they are gravely mistaken. Many have thought of different ways to get rid of these vermin but sadly none of them have been able to satisfy everyone. So I propose a way to cleanse and save our world from a species of people that will destroy it by wiping them out for good, but in the most efficient way possible. We could gather them up and use them as guinea pigs to test drugs and vaccines before the public will be given access to them. It would be terrible if the normal and pure race of people were in contact with potentially harmful things, so the diseased race should do it instead.

In our vast country today, homosexuality is becoming a huge and popular issue. Many aspects are being addressed from marriage to how early do people become a part of that demented species. Slowly but surely they are gaining rights that are making them shockingly equal to the rest of us. Its gotten to a point that thirteen states in America have already legalized marriage equality. Since they were granted these unworthy rights, they believe that they are somehow allowed to take poor parentless kids and indoctrinate them into their corrupted beliefs. There are approximately 4 million children in the US alone that are being raised by these households. Which most of the time could cause those children to become homosexual. In the New York’s public school system alone there are 500,000 students that identify themselves as LGBT. This statistics alone show how true the previous statement is. Those parents flaunt and convince their kids that it is alright to be this way, which in turn has corrupted others into accepting them. Although there are still others that beg to differ.

The one’s that haven’t been persuaded into believing that this needs to be seen as the norm in society today have different ideas about how to deal with this growing problem. Some of these solutions can be separating them completely from the rest of the world to even killing them. Although in my opinion, I believe it might be quite hard to do either of those considering about 20 percent of the population is homosexual and even 10 million in the United States alone are homosexuals. So by using my method I believe we will benefit from it better and get rid of them much quicker. If we use them as testing animals, we could slowly get rid of these people and it can provide us with a plethora of bodies to test multiple things on. They will be put into these labs and to not worry the public it will be advertised as something patriotic to do for their country. We can also dress them up as guinea pigs and teach them specifically how to act like them to get better results. As we test these people in numbers many will die or become disabled by the experimental things that they will be exposed to. Though that wouldn’t matter so much because at least it will get rid of those disgusting animals that are the cause of such uproar and stress for us. We can build labs all around the country and slowly spread it around the world so that it can benefit society.

Where to start is important. We can’t just approach the adults of this species who are well supported, we must work from the bottom. The first group we will take will be the homeless homosexual youth.  Since there 20 percent across the country, we will receive a good chunk of this species. We will offer them permanent housing, food, and supplies in exchange for us to use them as we choose in experiments. These will be the easiest of the group to take because hunger and false hope can persuade someone to consent or do just about anything. Who will really care if they’re gone? They are basically ghosts at this point, gone and forgotten.  Next we will move up to the homosexual school students, which we will handle differently because in some instances they can be easy or hard to gain access to depending on the parents knowledge and acceptance of them. It is key in this group to approach the parents, out their kids if necessary, and then ask if we may acquire them. The less accepting ones and even the ones that are hesitant can be easily be persuaded by promising change and discipline in these labs. We would also provide payment for every live body they turn in. The hard part of this group is convincing the supportive parents. I feel we could show how these labs are bringing kids just like them together which can help with making relationships with people that understand them the most. It could be presented as a camp almost, which in some sense it is since they will be living there with other kids and there will be no teaching. We then move up to the adults which can potentially be the hardest group to comply. If we try taking them by force, it will not end well so we must get to them some other way. The easiest way I can think of is by hiring them and promise larger amounts of pay compared to anywhere else which will surely persuade many of them to come. For the rest that don’t buy our job offer, we can slowly pull them in by having dances or showings of how efficient and happy the workers are at the labs.

Next to finally wipe out this idea of homosexuality as a good thing, we must educate our children by presenting it in school as something negative but controllable through our labs.  We can incorporate it into the curriculum and bring in homosexuals from these labs to speak with them on how being a guinea pig is amazing. This could push many of children to turn in any classmate or adult that they suspect is homosexual. To repay them, we can give them 10 pieces of candy for each kid and 20 for each adult.  As a way to stress our point even further we can take a dead homosexual that did not conform and be part of experiments, preserve its body, and hang it up in our classroom to show that if you turn out this way and not give yourself to benefit our country. This will surely scare them into knowing that this lifestyle is disgraceful and always comes with a horrid outcome in the end. We could also teach them the history of these homosexuals of what happens if you try to go against the norms of society. For instance the Stonewall Inn raid in 1969 the police arrested many homosexuals from a gay bar that was created and many of them were beaten up and thrown in jail.

Before implementing positive change in this vast country we must convince the government and its fine representatives that this is harmless and benefits society. By doing this, we must focus on our country’s two political parties. When it comes to the Republicans they will with no doubt agree with my methods because their party is solely based on religion and traditional values. So by finding way to slowly and quietly get rid of these animals it will satisfy this group very much. Though when presenting this to the Democrat party, we must take severe caution and thought to convince them since these people strongly support this species. Because we will not be violent or use force against those creatures, that might ease their concerns. We can show how compared to the Republicans, we have a better alternative that we will use to deal with them. Which is better than the other methods that they propose like killing them. As we convince both sides that this is the right way to handle these animals it will take the pressure off state and federal courts. As support for those people decrease and call for rights become uncommon then the push for states to legalize equality in marriage and rights will start to fade out. This will take much stress off of states that are usually split between the two parities or are much more conservative than liberal. When the states are finally fine with believing fully in this method of saving our world from these destructive people, it’s one less issue that the justice system and even the president has to deal with it.

So we must take action and start to make a better world for future generations in this world. By somehow controlling and soon destroying these “people” as some call them, we can come out as heroes and philanthropic humans. Why should people be against this proposal, its the perfect solution to a problem that no one else could solve. This method can help this lost and corrupt species, it can almost be seen as putting an animal out of its misery if it has some sickness, like rabies in a dog or cancer in a cat. Before putting them down, we can get so much work and research for the public. Because like test animals, who cares about the how they die if they are somehow advancing and benefitting society?