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Solution=Death/Time

Picture 2 S=D-T
This is a satire article relating to climate change, as part of our English class’ Modest Proposal Assignment. The article proposes a ridiculous solution to climate change by continuing to pollute the environment with a result that humanity will cease to exist, thus leaving no one to pollute earth no more. Picture by Eneid Papa.

by Eneid Papa, website editor 

We dwell on such an amazing planet, one of a kind to our solar system. Holding all seven billion of us, human beings. As intelligent lifeforms, it is our job to decide our planet’s future. Whether it will be a healthy lush-green and blue planet, or a gray sick ball of smog; we humans are responsible. Being the superior beings that have the largest impact on our planet, we must understand what harm we are causing. We are killing innocent animals by ruining their natural habitats. Poor polar bears and penguins are losing their ice caps, their homes where they live. Thanks to our hunger for energy and resources, we are making our world sick. Our lust to develop and procreate is requiring us to dig deeper, pollute more, consume and rezone areas where once resided beautiful forests in tranquility of nature. However, we fail to realize that our planet is getting angry. Literally angry, and getting ready to burst. Climate change is changing our planet’s future. The temperature is expected to change; an increase from 2.5 to 10 Fahrenheit over the next century. Although this temperature variation may seem small, if viewed on a global scale, it corresponds to enormous changes to the environment. Changes that will kill us all -making things even worse for human survival. Let me explain why; by burning fossil fuels we create carbon dioxide which goes up into the atmosphere. A layer which should supposebly protect us from Ultraviolet radiation is created, but since carbon is dark and does a poor job at reflecting light, it fails to reflect light and keeps it all to itself. By absorbing light, carbon heats up, and eventually heats up our planet too, but not only that, it also gifts us a free passage to exposure to ultraviolet radiation. Radiation that is capable to give us even more gifts, which include: skin cancer, droughts, crop withering -which will lead to food shortages-, migration of tropical diseases etc… All complimentary from our planet’s wrath.  As one may see these are only a few of the adverse effects climate change has on us, but what humans fail to understand is that this is not the problem! This is the solution!

My friends, we must take action, we must not allow the impairment of our planet any further. And now, if nothing is done, this anger will only accelerate and grow. Our planet will continue to suffer if we continue to live. The solution is clear, we must all die. Yes, it is the only way we can ensure that our planet will recover. It is what nature wants; it is what our earth wants and it should be what we all want. A world that will continue to be healthy and beautiful without us. However, we do face an opposition from unrealistic ideas to end climate change. Solutions that will not work, made from idiots that are too blind to realize that we must simply die. Forsay, what kind of blithering idiot comes up with the idea of launching rockets with pollutants into the atmosphere. Thinking they can release sulfur dioxide that can reflect sunlight into space, thereby cooling earth. Pfft, retards. Too blind to understand nature. How about instead of launching rockets to the atmosphere we launch them to each other. We’ve always enjoyed playing that game. Yes, rockets at each other. Let’s take that rocket and throw it to those colorful Americans that are responsible for 22% of global warming; to the bouquet of Asian people that cause 9%; to those snowflake Russians that cause 8%; to those wonderful Europeans with their European Union, responsible for 25%. And a rocket for everyone else. Thinking of the benefits that death can bring to humanity’s problems are quite broad. It can solve almost every problem. Eradicating issues such as: poverty, hunger, crime, stress, fear etc…

Investing our final efforts to kill ourselves will prove to be a good deal. That is why we must be thankful. My friends, we must truly thank Volkswagen for being such a diligent corporation, dedicated to helping humanity even under its nose. They understand -unlike some- that we must die. Volkswagen has put an effort to advocate earth’s future. Our German auto manufacturers keep up the good work by polluting even more than they say they do. Rest assured my friends global warming will end soon enough. Over time we will die thanks to our progressive efforts on pollution. Most importantly our planet over time will recover, and will remain a jewel in our solar system.

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