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The shocking truth of tuition


by Alyssa Striano, contributing reporterScreenshot 2016-03-21 at 1.17.54 PM

It’s that time of the year again, quite frankly, my favorite time of the year. College application season, music to my ears.  It brings me indescribable sadness to see so many students give up their first choice university based on rising tuition.  My self pity jumps to an all time high, their money could’ve been mine.  Some don’t even bother to apply any more… Whatta shame.  Though the loss of money is heartbreaking, those students are evidently not worth it.  They come from the slums, ride through classes on excuses, and are ultimately poor.  What’s a person with no materialistic value?  Only human, and that’s not worthwhile.  

My idea is easily achievable and has already been somewhat implemented.  It starts when they’re young, elementary school to be exact.  It is essential that we discourage the children living in lower-middle class areas from loving to learn.  The Common Core methods of teaching precisely target this goal.  It’s quite comical how gullible the poverty-stricken public is, all we had to do was tell them that these standards would help students in preparation for college when in reality, it’s fogging up their ability to catch on to easy concepts.  In no way, shape, or form is the Common Core being used to teach kids to think efficiently or how to problem solve.  The ultimate goal of the Common Core movement is to intimidate students whose families are not in a stable financial situation. Of course, this is where the initial segregation begins.  We have schools for the poor and schools for the rich, the rich following the curriculum in the process of being left behind.  Starting them young on this extraordinarily overwhelming learning technique is going to scare them out of wanting and loving to learn.

It’s quite clear that changes to universities are a necessity and it all starts with the rising of tuition.  Tuition has been taking rapid jumps since the early 1970s, now there will finally be a logical reason behind the increase.  By raising the price and offering limited scholarships, we are assuring that only the top notch batch of students are able to attend college… By that I mean, the wealthy students.  By making price levels ridiculously high and only offering very little financial support to those who have absolutely nothing to live off of, we are ripping the opportunity for the lower classes to attend any class more challenging than High School level.

Some persistent, annoying creatures are still going to attempt to scrounge together enough money to pay for our fantastic education.  Although way out of line for them to even attempt, it’s quite laughable.  Watching them fail and prove my point to an even greater extent makes this process even more enjoyable.  In attempt to pay for all of the fees schools will request, the hopeful students will obtain a job.  Little do they know, their jobs will be the end of them.  The students will commit more to their job than they will to their education since they believe it’s keeping them in school.  Their focus will drift from their work inside the classroom to their work outside the classroom which will cause their grades to drop.  This decline in their grades will conclude with their failure of classes, eventually making them drop out.  Those who try to stick it out, even with a job and their failure (or near failure), will end up graduating later than those who are on track.  They’ll drop classes to clear their schedule and spread them out over a longer period of time.  These optimistic students will soon be burnt out, leaving them with no choice but to leave degree-less.  Our prices will rise to an amount so unreasonable, they’ll soon realize that even a side job can’t help them pay for all of their schooling.

As time goes on and the scoundrels we’d be forced to call students can’t afford to pay for their tuition, I’d assume they’d attempt to take out loans.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I like to get my money quick and I see no sense in lending out money to those imbeciles.  We must limit them to a year, a mere year, to pay off those loans no matter what their “circumstance” is.  When they don’t pay it off, because I’m positive they won’t be able to pay it off in such a short period of time, they’d be forced to go to a new school of our creation.  This institution is not just any school, I don’t even think it can really be considered a school… Maybe more of a concentration camp type of environment.  This camp will serve as their training and conditioning.  Here’s where we convince them that they are nowhere near capable enough to pursue the careers they once had planned.  We’ll put them in a setting that’s comparable to their “future” work domain and tell them that they are allowed to test out the career before committing to it, it’ll seem like we’re helping them solidify their decisions.  That’s when we start to make horrible things happen: a prospective teacher deals with a class full of savage children she can’t control, a hopeful policeman lets an insane prisoner get away, a potential doctor is responsible for the death of a patient during an important surgery… You know, little things.  The idea is to stop that from wanting to continue down the path they’d carved for themselves, things are too hard and they will only fail.  

The absolute highest form of education I believe these little weasels should be allowed to have is from a Community College, which is the only schooling they’ll be able to afford by the time I’m done with it.  What we don’t tell the public is, we teach at such a slow and dumbed down level, it’s fundamentally high school 2.0.  The Community College students THINK they’re receiving a secondary education, when really their money is just being taken for things that they most likely did in their high school classroom.  It gets even better, the students of Community Colleges have NO choices, they have to take the classes that are given to them because there is such lack in variance.  In retrospect, we can give them whatever class we’d like filled with whatever information we’d like to supply them.  Since the population enrolled in these schools generally aren’t the brightest, the focus of classes can easily be shifted to the topics being taught at our concentration camps without the students realizing.  All we’d have to do is tell them that it’s part of the curriculum and they’d buy it, no questions asked.

What we rich folk want is not to take over the world, that sounds a bit harsh… We just want to modify it.  You know, put those who deserve to be in charge, in charge.  The deserving ones are those with money.  Therefore, I suggest the passing of my proposal, one of which can not be opposed.  We make college a thing of the past for the poor and use them as slaves to those substantially above them in ranking. The poor do not deserve to be known amongst the rich as anything more than a servant.

Unfortunately, some of the students aren’t going to give up that easily since 57% of adults still think college is worth the price.  What idiots.  You know how it goes, there’s always that one who is determined to make it through and prosper… Yadda yadda yadda, no one cares because we won’t let them get there.  These delinquents will be taken to the aggressive part of our camp.  Here, they will be given shock therapy.  They’ll be given two pictures on a desk: the first of an item or environment associated with their original career path, the other with things associated with custodial work (which is all they’ll be able to do after their treatment).  We’ll tell them to choose the picture that appeals to them most and shock them (with increasing intensity) as they choose the pictures that we don’t want them to.  As time goes on, they’ll be too scared and emotionally scarred to do anything associated with their previous major.  From there, we introduce classes that prepare them for becoming our professional slaves… Just because they’re slaves doesn’t mean we’re not classy.  They’ll learn how to cook like a chef or clean flawlessly, each individual will specialize in a certain area of maid service.  Our slaves will have no choice but to do what we say.

There are an infinite amount of benefits that come with the enactment of my proposal.  First, only the best of the best will be able to attend college.  By this I mean, the richest of the rich.  Prices will increase to such an amount that only the wealthiest will be able to enrich their education.  As we know, with education comes power.  Our country will be run by those with money and we can’t risk having that stripped away in any form.  If a pauperized individual were to come into power, they would share their wealth.  Imagine that, everything benefitting everyone… It’s just not fair!  It would be harder for us to make them feel valueless… How degrading for us.

Secondly, there will be more jobs open for the rich to take advantage of.  With the elimination of the lower class’ ability to hold a career, the deserving people of the country will be able to take over and get even more cash for themselves.  The decrease in the rights for the poor will lead to an increase in profits for the rich.  

Thirdly, the colleges attended by the upper class will be much greater than they are now.  With the immense amount of money that universities will obtain can be used for the latest advancements in technology, facilities, staff, sports teams, and campus design.  

Fourthly, we will have an unlimited supply of the service we need in our homes to get things done without actually having to do anything.  It’s no secret that we, the rich, are the minority.  Though small, we are extremely influential.  With that being said, we will be able to have as many slaves as we’d like in our houses doing the pointless things that we loathe doing, for FREE!  Yes, we’ve had servants before, but we also have had to pay for them.  Now, we’ll have people doing whatever we say for no cost whatsoever.

Though only a limited number was shared, there are an abundance of other advantages that can be derived from the implantation of my idea.  I simply see no reason why we shouldn’t take action.  There is no part of me that wants to mentally or physically damage the well being of any individual, although I do know my plans will only bring joy and prosperity to the country.  The rising tuition cost will bring about the power of the wealthy, an act necessary to success.

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