Satire: Fighting Fire With Fire

by Faith Chojar, staff reporter

Do your loved ones drink? Do they do it to the point where they wake up the next morning with a screaming headache and don’t remember a thing? Well they are in luck today! In the last few years, a whopping total of seven percent or about 18 million people of the United States population over the age of twelve reported binge drinking for at least five days of the last thirty. Now, those who don’t drink nearly as much may be wondering “Oh my, that is a terrible number!” but I am here to assure you otherwise. These people in our everyday lives who we call alcoholics are the greatest thing to happen to us. We would all be weak and entirely mentally distraught if it were not for them. Instead of punishing them for all of the problems they cause in our homes, I propose we award them for all of the good that they are doing us. Quite simply, we reward them with more alcohol, and some other products to go with it.

Alcoholism affects mainly men over the age of eighteen, but is no stranger to the ladies out there. The number of alcohol related traffic deaths is growing from the 2005 number of 12,998, and there are approximately 1,400,000 drunk driving arrests made per year in the United States. It’s a lovely form of population control in a country so large. Most alcoholics say that they could stop drinking whenever they choose to, they just never do it. Alcoholism is an addiction which progresses by the rapid deterioration of life quality in many. It’s one of the best choices to make, especially if family is the first priority. People who are dependent on alcohol have a tendency to be verbally and physically abusive towards the family and others in their lives. When this occurs, the victims of the abuse change from being victims to being bigger and better people with more stability than ever before. Most of today’s more successful bodybuilders and athletes come from broken homes with alcoholics tearing them apart!

Those who have alcoholics in their lives can agree that if it weren’t for the constant mental and physical abuse that these people inflict, there would be no reason at all for the families to be as strong as they are in the present. To the lady who’s drunk husband beats her, would you have ever joined mixed martial arts if it weren’t for him? Now, you can beat anyone on the street up if they ever advance towards you. You’re in better shape and better health! And now, when your husband leaves bruises and cuts on you, you are able to leave them right back on him. And the families or the teenagers of the house, the gym would never be making so much money if it were not for you and all those like you who need to be bigger and stronger to stand up to their abusive alcoholic fathers or mothers. As the daughter of an alcoholic, I can verify that my toleration level of abuse from my father has raised hundredfold since I joined the gym. It was worth every penny, bruise, cut and scar. Blood, sweat and tears, right?

Alcoholics bring families together. Families can go months with nothing but bad feelings between them, until they come to a group consensus that the root of the problem is the alcoholic. Once this is realized, there is no more of a practical solution than an intervention. When these interventions come along, whole families are brought together. These interventions may be the first time in years, or first time ever that these families sit down and talk about their feelings and problems! They leave families feeling resolved and better about each other, only to find out that they’ll need another one in the weeks to come. And in those coming weeks, it’ll be another reason for the family to come together again and spend quality time together talking through their problems.

The demand for therapists is now through the roof with how many people are affected by alcoholism. The interventions that alcoholics cause may not always be within the family, but can be held with therapists as well. This causes the existing therapists to make more money by having far more clients. These therapists then get all booked up, increasing the need for therapists and the opening of new jobs. Alcoholics are making people more money, and creating new jobs. The average marriage and family therapist makes approximately $50,000 per year. At least a quarter of this revenue comes from alcoholics and their families or spouses requesting help. They also see about 9-10 clients per day, at least half being the result of alcoholics in the household. Imagine what the life of a therapist would be without these addicts! They would be far poorer since they would see less clients. And people say drunkards don’t benefit society.

While all of the things that benefit a person’s everyday life are great, alcoholics benefit the society and the country on a grander scale than most are willing to think about. People are consuming a hefty number of alcoholic drinks at a time (binge drinking) and as most know these drinks are anything but cheap. If they were outlawed, the economy would be in a completely different state. The fitness industry as well creates a huge revenue from the families of alcoholics, where gym memberships along with boxing and martial arts classes aren’t all that cheap either. Having therapists in high demand creates new jobs, bringing the unemployment rate down. It may not be a significant change, but every decimal place counts. The therapists are also making more profit, bringing the state of the economy and GDP into better standing. Alcoholics are not only making lives better, but they’re benefitting the economy. Without them, our economy wouldn’t make even a fraction of the profit it does now.

With all of these points taken into consideration, I arrive at two main proposals, both of which should be implemented as soon as possible. Alcoholism and dependence on drugs go hand in hand, therefore we should make all illegal drugs legal. Imagine how many more issues within the family this would cause, giving these families double the incentive to spend their time and money on helping themselves and the others around them. Also, making illegal drug sales legal would create as much if not more profit as the sale of alcohol does, which would result in the economy flourishing even more. More people would be abused more often, creating a better, stronger breed of human for those involved, and a better and stronger economy. We should also instantly award the alcoholics in our lives with the gift of more alcohol. From the daughter of an alcoholic father who drank his sorrows away four nights per week and beat his family up while doing it, I want nothing more but to thank him for all of the good he’s done for me, and for the world around me. Alcoholics have rightfully earned every drink they take, and can drink away knowing that they’re really doing more help than harm.