Satire: We are no longer the pack leader

by Michelle Psaltakis, staff reporter

Dogs are a man’s “best friend”. They make us feel joyous when we see them. They are full of life, love, and happiness. When we give dogs attention, it makes them happy, so its win win. But because that isn’t enough for us humans, we do the one thing that brings joy to us; we make them fight one another and dogs love it. Pitbulls were once called “nanny dogs” and were an American favorite because of how protective and loving they were to their masters. Pitbulls were the most affectionate dogs and would do whatever their master asked, as would any dog. But because a few people decided to make them fight, they are no longer seen as the best.

As you can tell, its in their nature to fight everything and everyone they see, and its not selective breeding at all. Pit bulls have been breed for 200 years so they can clearly end all that hype and anger in them. It’s the dogs fault for being trained to show aggression by their owners. I have a simple solution for dog fighting. All we have to do is send the dogs to school with our kids so they can learn proper etiquette, to speak up, and to talk back to us when they don’t want to do something. Its a perfect, flawless plan.

People keep saying that dogs are helpless and we are the voice of the dogs. But we can train dogs to sit, stay, roll over, and do tricks. So that means they understand us. If they can understand what we say, then they can learn to talk and once they learn to talk, they won’t need us to speak to them. We should have a school dedicated to teaching dogs how to speak, not just to bark but to be able to hold actually hold an actual conversation in English. When our children are old enough to go to school then the dogs should go with them; that way both humans and dogs can learn together. Once they learn to do that, dogs can defend themselves. If they don’t want to fight then we will know. When we want to fight, we can tell the other person so. It is only proper that our dogs can be able to do the same. This will clear up a lot when the cops come around. If the police officer asks what happened, the dog can confront the police officer and tell him the truth of the situation.

Not only did dogfighting bring entertainment, but it brought them money. Even the poor folk back in the day became  involved so that they can go from rags to riches in a little amount of time. Anyone can feel joyous when you see these dogs ripping their opponent from limb to limb, watching the other dogs get beaten up. Plus its absolutely adorable to see all that blood and have 75% of their body covered in scars. That’s not the only benefit it will give you. Your dog will be forever faithful to you. And as the years go on everyone will be afraid of pit bulls. How great is that? Fear of a breed for your mistakes is something I dream of.

Pitbulls, don’t you have a lot of fun out there? If not, then you can take the control back by getting this education that I propose. By having an education, you will be able to gain control back and become just as powerful as us humans. Thus, you will prosper even further in life.You can now start making your masters fight for you instead of the other way around; make them realize who the boss really is, make sure that they are strong enough, mean enough, blood thirsty enough to kill their fellow friend. By you taking your control back, you can become richer. Money is the bottom line to solving all your problems. Pitbulls: because you are so feared, the more money you have, the less feared you will be. Everyone would love to know how you got this money and everyone would want you to be with them.

If you have a pitbull, you should create a pit bull fighting club; that way you can become popular and get a ton of money. If you get caught by the police, don’t worry you’ll only spend a couple years in prison. Your dogs would go to a local shelter and if the shelter doesn’t like them, then the dogs will get put down because no one has time to rehabilitate them. That’s too difficult and time consuming. They have better things to do like watch TV. Only 1 million pit bulls get euthanized each year, so that not too bad.

Since its not the dogs fault for aggression but the humans, once the humans are caught, we will send all the owners to a prison far far away. People and dogs can go visit them and see which are liked best. This prison will be a shelter to these bad humans and we will try to rehabilitate them. But if some humans aren’t easy to rehabilitate and are giving us a hard time, we will just put the human down. That would make more sense since they are the reason behind it. Putting down the cause and not the result will stop it from ever happening again. This will allow more room for those who are able to be retrained. We shouldn’t waste our time on those who can’t be fixed. Lets not teach the human right from wrong but end their life immediately.

Firstly, by sending our dogs to school we will get to see how smart they truly are. Dogs have a chance to grow up. Just like watching our children grow we will see our dogs grow up into beautiful strong adults. They will be bright pupils out in the business world.

Secondly, when we have children and they go to school they will always have someone to watch over them when we aren’t there. The kids will have such a strong friendship with their dog. We will see them go off to college, and watch them learn together. They will help each other out with the homework and have each others back because dogs are a mans best friend.

Thirdly, we will get a chance to see our young pups get jobs in the business world. They will be so educated that they can get wonderful jobs. This way we won’t have dog fighting to bring us money but dogs will bring us money, which is what its all about right? This is just safer and more efficient.

Fourthly, when there are less dogs in the fighting rink and more dogs getting an education, there will be less humans that would have to be put down. No one will have to go to jail because they won’t be able to use any dogs for fighting because they are out getting an education. Once they complete their full education they will be out in the business world. Clearly we are saving two lives because of this one simple solution.

Lastly, as I had stated before, the dogs will be able to take back the control. The dogs can make humans fight since they are now educated enough to do so. If they want payback, they will be able to communicate that to us. Now we will know who they really are and what they want because they will be able to explain themselves. Without them being able to speak, they can’t defend themselves or fight for their rights. But now they can and they won’t need us as much anymore.

In 40 years from now, with this plan we will be able to see a world where dogs are treated like people and people are treated like dogs and it will look beautiful. That is equality amongst all living things, which is a goal we aim for. There would be no more man trying to dominate dogs, it will be man and dog trying dominate each other. This will flourish into a utopian society.

So heres to all you reading school smart dogs out there: take control of your owner. If they want you to fight, throw your owner in the ring and watch them fight. Make sure that you trained them well enough though so that you can get all that money. Don’t forget that to make the human stronger you have to place human bait in the middle and watch them rip that human from limb to limb. If they kill that human well enough, reward them with two meals instead of one, they will love you for that. If you hear the humans say “I am the pack leader” remember you don’t have to wipe your own butts. You are clearly the pack leader.