Satire: Airport Security

by Zachary Damasco, contributing reporter

It has become increasingly apparent that travelling via airplane has digressed from the exciting and pleasurable experience it once was pre-9/11, into the hassle filled nuisance that it embodies today. When the average American intends to take a domestic flight anywhere within the U.S., he is greeted repulsively at the airport by fields of idleness; flocks of men, women, and children all inhumanely squeezed tightly together waiting for one thing: to get through the airport security checkpoint. With lines that can amount to hundreds, some may find themselves in a predicament that leaves them standing in wait for upwards of 3 hours or more! Even worse, many of these innocent travelers will find themselves captive in the name of safety while the TSA conducts their searches.

It is abundantly clear that the people of this great nation have become outraged at the fact that we cannot engage in something so simple as boarding a plane without being policed to the point of harassment! It is too often I find myself bearing witness to either a family member, or fellow passenger of mine being subjected to one of the many intrusive “security measures” of the TSA airport security. Whether it be a molesting pat down, an exposing  full body scan, or worst of all, a humiliatingly invasive cavity search, the basic principles of human  decency are thrown out the window once a person is lain  at the mercy of the TSA. These travelers are compelled to wave their basic rights and become degraded to the point where you can propose the argument that they aren’t even human anymore.

The fact that something as atrocious as what I stated above could even occur in the great country of America which I call home, is absolutely appalling. No public, or private agency, even government operated, should attain the power to dehumanize and exploit patrons at their will using nothing but arbitrary information. Even if the cause is for what the government deems “the greater good and security of the people”, the basic principles set forth by our founding fathers protects “we the people” from any and all violations of basic rights. These unacceptable and appalling transgressions have called for a proposal, in order to salvage the basic human rights of the people and of the world, that we abolish all airport security. It is not the terrorists that cause a hassle for the regular travelers. It is not the potential threats of mass destruction that account for hours of waiting. It is the security itself that causes honest patrons such displeasing times.

Now, now, I understand the concern that may come across your mind, that without an agency set forth to protect the people of this country from potential air terrorism, we will not be safe as a country. This preconceived notion is absolutely false. Not only will potential terrorism decrease as a result of the abolishment of security, but the productivity and efficiency of not only airports themselves, but the American people as a whole, will increase as a result. How is that possible? One may ask themselves this, but the truth is revealed once the facts are finally analyzed.

First off, there is no reason why the average traveler should have to report to their scheduled airport 90 minutes to two hours before their flight, just in case security takes too long, or any other measures lead to their delay. Without airport security, you could arrive at the airport 15 minutes prior to your flight and just hop aboard when ready; just check-in your bags (which will also not have to go through security, thus ensuring that your bags will arrive at their intended destination) and go. Instead of a whole hour and a half worth of time being spent at the airport, it can instead be invested by the individual to perform various tasks of productivity. Seeing as nearly 64 percent of all travel by air is done so on business, these executives can devote their extra time into completing their work. Also, seeing as many flights, 43 percent of all flights to be exact, fly between the hours of 10pm and 6am, when approximately 83 percent of all people are falling asleep, or waking up, the hour and half of time that was originally spent waking up earlier, or going to sleep later in order to catch a certain flight, can be used to sleep in and gain adequate rest for future labors. An entire hour and a half of sleep; one full sleep cycle capable of supplying it’s host upwards of 3 hours of energy. With three full hours of energy at the will of the businessmen and women of our country, we can expect escalating growth in the effectiveness and productivity of our workforce. The astonishing boost in capability of our workforce will have impressively positive impacts on our economy as a whole. The ideas of the entrepreneur approaching his sales meeting will flow more swiftly than ever; the coder of the next microsoft office will not need to live by his trusty Red-Bull in order to stay awake and process; the laborers of the United States and more so the world will be beneficiaries to their rested minds.

While the above argument is easily understandable to anyone above the education level of the common sixth grader, you might still be scratching your head and pondering upon the previous statement of how security would not only be unaffected, but become stronger.  The answer is simple, and it lies in the hands of the American people. The facts are, 34% of all Americans have experience in the martial arts; whether it be Karate, Judo, Tae Kwon Do, or any other, the American people are more than efficient when it comes to self-protection. Now how does that translate to airplane safety? Let me redirect you to the last known air terrorism attempt to occur over U.S territory. The setting is Christmas day 2009, and 240 people are on board Northwest Airlines flight 253, however, one differs from the rest. That individual, was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, A Nigerian terrorists whose intent was to annihilate every last man, woman and child on board. His plan however, was cut short; not by any air marshall or security guard, but by the patrons around him. Those brave soldiers of the air put their lives on the line and succeeded in apprehending the potential terrorists using disorienting jabs and kicks until they were capable of subduing the man until the plane landed, averting any and all possible disaster. Now try and tell me, are the American people not capable of taking care of themselves? Not only did the TSA fault by allowing this potential terrorists into our airspace, but it wasn’t even their own security to save the flight in the air, it was rather, the American citizen. How can terrorists expect to succeed when on a flight of 240 people, if even just 15 percent of all passengers (as opposed to the 34 percent which would statistically be on board) possessed martial arts experience; that is 36 beings ready to put their skills to work at the drop of a button in order to, if not protect the cabin, protect themselves.

In times of need, our peers will come together and mold into one force of good, against all the evil that attempt to inhabit our airspace. This is why the public will respond positively to the idea of doing away with all airport security, and accept their new titles as self-protectors of our nation with open arms. Why would we need trained air marshals, or public safety officers to guard us, when the American people are fully able to have their own backs? We don’t. The time that will be saved, the tasks that will be accomplished, and most of all the productivity increase that will arise as a result of the complete eradication of all air safety workers is too valuable to keep withheld from our nation any longer, so lets make the change now.