Every American Deserves A Hummer: A Proposal

by Barbara Kasomenakis, contributing writer 

…Or should that be two?

Fellow Americans, it is common consensus that we are chosen by God to be the caretakers and saviors of humanity. John Winthrop, the great Puritan leader called this land “A city upon a hill”, serving as a beacon for humanity. The rest of the world looks to us for guidance and sees us as an example of greatness on every level.  We are less than 5% of the world’s population and yet we consume three-fourths of the world’s resources. We all do this with great sacrifice to show the world what can be done. It is our duty as American citizens — guided by our own government to show the rest of the world to what they can aspire to.

Since the beginning of this country’s existence, we have proved our superiority by taking this wilderness and by first turning it into the breadbasket of the world. It has then become the largest center of industry this world has ever known.  Of course, it has not been without its setbacks; some pesky natives who lived on this land tried to put themselves in the way of this God sanctioned greatness. But through our great legal system, we’ve reached unanimity through treaties. Everyone is happy now!

Yet some un-American commentators have suggested (wrongly, I think), that we should share the the world’s resources more equitably. At the very least, not waste so many of these resources. These same people are the scaremongers who espouse the radical, unproven scientific theory of “global warming”. Of course, we all know the more carbon dioxide present in the air, the faster our crops will grow, and therefore more food for the world!

Our use of fossil fuels is another area of contention with these same people. One of the biggest sources of these ever so beneficial inflated CO2 levels in the atmosphere, is petroleum.

It is only logical that since we Americans burn most of these fossil fuels (deservedly so), to benefit the world even more, we should have control over the rest of the world’s supplies. However, most of the great deposits of petroleum are not on our present land. It only behooves us to make sure those lands are accessible to us — either as friends or foes — so our lifestyle can be sustained, therefore helping the rest of the world in the ways mentioned previously.

It is an unfortunate accident of nature that all of this wealth primarily resides in this region of the world referred to as the Middle East. The only reason why these people live on these lands is because they just happen to be born there, and will continue to be there because of our generosity.

One of the arguments is that our relationship with this region of the world has been causing tensions detrimental to our political, economic and social relations with these countries.

We have understood this and have taken appropriate steps by installing our choice of rulers to bring order to those areas. We have blessed them with financial and military aid, but there are still ungrateful countries in these areas that wish to contradict our great aims.

Our scientists, selected by our great leaders through contemplation and prayer have not been sitting idly while all of this turmoil has been brewing. They have been working on ways to make sure that our fuel supply remains plentiful. We wish to do this in a peaceful way, as we have been all along. Yet, if one day that doesn’t work out, we have alternatives.

Our scientists have been hard at work secretly developing something akin to a neutron bomb that can be deployed to those uncooperative people in these regions. The wonderful thing about this type of bomb is that it will eliminate the troublemakers but leave the fuel supply in tact for our use. If a person is roughly 1000 kilometers away, within a matter of seconds they will be rendered totally incapacitated and physiologically, one of the most invisible creatures imaginable. They will be profusely vomiting, their heads will be bursting, monstrous scabs will ravage their bodies, and in less than an hour, they’ll be dead. The fuel pumps will be left exactly as they were since the last person laid their hands on them, even though he is now incinerated. The great buildings and structures are ready to be repurposed for greater things. The area would be repopulated with happy and loyal people who’ll bring civilization to new heights. They are going to be an example for the rest of the world.

Even in death the previous occupants will be useful to us. All that organic matter will “…in time compress [their] blood to oil, [their] flesh to coal”, as the great Peter Gabriel sang in 74’, ensuring that that supply of fossil fuels will be extended long into the future.

Fellow Americans (trumpet sounds), it is our responsibility as civilized people to remain loyal to the dream and true to our purpose. History will glorify us and future civilizations will look upon us as one of the shining examples of humanity this planet has ever seen. Infinite growth on a finite planet will be made possible.